To Say Goodbye

How can I say goodbye to you? To the times we never had? To the moments I wish we had? To the friendship that I wanted to bloom?

We are never friends. We never had that friendship bond. The times that I had with you were those that involved seeing each other in office. Even if we barely speak to each other, I silently liked you. I silently wished that someday you would open up to me and later on be close with each other. But it never happened. You left.

Although you were not gone, I could no more see you every day. It may sound foolish but I considered you as one thing that could make me smile. Your presence, it was overwhelming. Your jokes, though never funny, would tickle me and make laugh endlessly. Your simple act of kindness, those little things made me fall for you. You inspired and influenced me in many things.

Months passed, but I remained in the abyss of my feelings for you. I was groping hard to recover, to move on. But fate should have been toying with me. No matter what happened and no matter what you said during that Sunday night, my feelings remained stubborn.

Then I knew that you were finally leaving. This time, I knew I would never see you again. No more professional communication. You will be gone. I wanted to ask you. I wanted to talk with you. I wanted to know your plans. But I couldn’t. I was not supposed to. I did not have the right. Who am I by the way?

I wanted to tell you how much I will miss you. I wanted to thank you for making me smile, though you are not aware of it. I wanted to hug you goodbye. I wanted to hold your hand and tell you not to leave. I wanted to leave you a message wishing you a good luck. How bad I wanted to see your face as you leave the only world that connected the two of us. I just wanted to see you for the last time and finally say goodbye to you and to my feelings towards you. But I could not. I could not even at least pretend to act normal and ask you. I just could not. I would dare not.

As you go on with your life and I struggle with mine, I hope that soon I will see you. By that time, I hope that you have achieved the dreams you have and have lived a life that you wanted. I wanted to see that sincere smile on your face, which I only saw when you were drunk last April. I hope that during the second time that we meet, I would be over you, and that it would be a new chapter in my life. And if you ever come back sooner, please remember that I would be here waiting for you. You will always have a special spot in my mind and heart.

But goodbye.