Hey, I'm Moving On!

After several nights, no, months, of pining for a love that could never be returned, I finally decided to move on. I had to let go from this silliness. I realized that I was wasting my life holding on to something and someone who could not even dare to care. I had cried enough tears and suffered unnecessary depression.

I give up. This is not worth fighting for. This is going nowhere. I am tired. Everything has to stop.

But…

Where do I start—when all I could see is him and all the little things I know about him? 

After A While by Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes aheadwith the grace of woman, not the grief of a child and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure you really are strong you really do have worth and you learn and you learn with every goodbye, you learn...

25 Things I Love About You

I could never tell you how much I value you. You know I am never good with telling people how I feel. You know I can hardly express my feelings, and you know how much I hate to talk about emotions. Every time we have a talk, I usually end up bullying you to the point that I become too insensitive to notice that you are hurt.

But please believe me when I tell you that I love you. Just do not believe me with the numerical figure in my title because I only put it to signify your age. I could not tell you I love you in a bulleted list because I want you to read every line in this blog. I could not tell you that I love you in a poem because I want you to spend some time with me through this blog.

Today is your birthday. You have always been proud of your birth date. June 19. You feel like you have a connection with Dr. Jose Rizal who is also celebrating his birthday. You even call yourself a martyr. You are a martyr. Who would not be martyr enough to stop schooling and be my guardian when I studied college? I know I was and am a pain on your back. I have seen you cry many times because I was so stubborn I kept going home very late. I have seen you work so hard just to give me money. I have seen you sacrificed yourself for me. You worked hard like a parent to me, but you never forget to listen like a friend to all my stories. I could never thank you enough for the things that you did to me.

Remember those times when we fight? There were lots of them. Do you know why I become silent in the middle of our fight? Or why I tend to walk out when you start crying? I never wanted you to leave home. I do not want to see you cry, well except for those times when you see old couples in the street and when we watch romantic movies. I could never take the thought of you weeping because of me. I always wanted to see you wear that happy face because you know that God has a purpose for everything.

Keep that faith. Your faith has been the reason that I keep on striving hard for our family. You inspire me with those words and pictures you post in our room. Most importantly, you make me believe in love. I have seen you fall in love and fall out of love. I have seen you cry over unrequited love and become all giddy because of a man. You taught me that only love can make me do greater things and that same love can get the best out of me. Your love for me and our family makes me a lucky being.

I am lucky I am your sister. You are very sensitive to my needs. Do you know that you make me smile with your little acts of goodness? Those little surprises? Those little gifts? I am grateful you are my sister. You are always there for me. You make me sane whenever I tend to overthink. You are very supportive in everything that I do. You believe in me.

All people you care are very lucky because we have you. You are a gift from God. Thank you and keep inspiring others!

I love you, ate Nenette. Happy 25^th birthday.

The birthday girl

February 15, Dumaguete

This is for the lost soul

Broken and alone

Wandering around the earth

Looking for a shelter. 

This is for the different

Unique and alone

Walking with people of all sorts

Looking for a home. 

This is for the forsaken

Left broken and alone

No place to call home

No one to treat as her own.

Scrapbook

Soon.

I’ll forget this moment happened.

I won’t even recall your name.

I can never feel this feeling again.

Soon.

I will wish I have powerful brains.

I will wonder how this day felt like.

I will look back with feeling of naught.

So now…

I will keep these little notes of mine,

these memories of yours,

and this story of ours.

To Say Goodbye

How can I say goodbye to you? To the times we never had? To the moments I wish we had? To the friendship that I wanted to bloom?

We are never friends. We never had that friendship bond. The times that I had with you were those that involved seeing each other in office. Even if we barely speak to each other, I silently liked you. I silently wished that someday you would open up to me and later on be close with each other. But it never happened. You left.

Although you were not gone, I could no more see you every day. It may sound foolish but I considered you as one thing that could make me smile. Your presence, it was overwhelming. Your jokes, though never funny, would tickle me and make laugh endlessly. Your simple act of kindness, those little things made me fall for you. You inspired and influenced me in many things.

Months passed, but I remained in the abyss of my feelings for you. I was groping hard to recover, to move on. But fate should have been toying with me. No matter what happened and no matter what you said during that Sunday night, my feelings remained stubborn.

Then I knew that you were finally leaving. This time, I knew I would never see you again. No more professional communication. You will be gone. I wanted to ask you. I wanted to talk with you. I wanted to know your plans. But I couldn’t. I was not supposed to. I did not have the right. Who am I by the way?

I wanted to tell you how much I will miss you. I wanted to thank you for making me smile, though you are not aware of it. I wanted to hug you goodbye. I wanted to hold your hand and tell you not to leave. I wanted to leave you a message wishing you a good luck. How bad I wanted to see your face as you leave the only world that connected the two of us. I just wanted to see you for the last time and finally say goodbye to you and to my feelings towards you. But I could not. I could not even at least pretend to act normal and ask you. I just could not. I would dare not.

As you go on with your life and I struggle with mine, I hope that soon I will see you. By that time, I hope that you have achieved the dreams you have and have lived a life that you wanted. I wanted to see that sincere smile on your face, which I only saw when you were drunk last April. I hope that during the second time that we meet, I would be over you, and that it would be a new chapter in my life. And if you ever come back sooner, please remember that I would be here waiting for you. You will always have a special spot in my mind and heart.

But goodbye.

Jude

Poker face

Soulful eyes

Sad smile

Laugh.

Silent mouth

Deep voice

Bright mind

Teach. 

Eyeglasses

White shirt

Boxer shorts

Love. 

The Insomniac

For those sleepless nights

When I stared at the ceiling for hours

Thinking the day over and over

Playing the memories in my mind

Oh, the pain and frustrations!

For those nights,

When I slept with a heavy heart

Wishing
Dreaming
Praying
I could not cry
but my heart was weeping.

No, it was not insomnia
That keeps me awake at night
That makes me feel my loneliness
Every night
On my bed
In my room

It was a boy
A man
Who was once was part of my day
But now haunts me at night.

Para sa Akong Amiga

Nakahinumdom pa ba ka?

Sa mga panahon nga mag-uban ta

Katong gibyahe ta ang Guadalupe

Kay gilantaw ta ang gipuy-an niya

Katong gilakaw ta ang karsada sa Tisa

Kay nagmauy ko sa akong wa masuklii nga gugma

Katong naghinilakay ta

Sa opisina sa San Jose, nga gi-eskwelahan ta.

Nakalimot na ba diay ka?

Sa dihang nag-away tang duha

Kay gahi akong ulo ug wa ka nakauyon

Wa ko nimo gitagad, nagmagahi lang pud ko

Apan nagkauli ra ta, nakalimot ko giunsa basta mao na to.

Makalimtan mo ba gyud diay?

Ang mga pangandoy natong duha

Katong nangita ta ug trabaho

Ang atong mga plano

Kung puhon kitang duha tagsa-tagsa nga maminyo

Ang atong mga pagmauy

Sa pagbati ning gitawag nilang gugma.

Milabay ang panahon.

Ikaw nahilayo samtang akong nagpabilin

Atong mga kinabuhi atong gitul-id

Atong mga pangandoy atong gikab-ot.

Nalipay ko maminaw kanimo.

Layo ka ug naadtoan, padayona.

Hinunoa nga anaa ra ko diri.

Di mo man tuod madunggan sa kanunay

Apan andam ako nga moalima kanunay.

Bisan unsa ang mahitabo

Hinumdomi nga ania ra ko para kanimo.

Ayaw baya kog kalimti ha? 

A shot with Agnes, akong amiga

One Night for a Decade

It was true when Insoy, the lead vocalist of Missing Felimon, said that whoever stated that Bisrock is irrelevant should have come to the event and celebrate.

The evening of May 30 at the Outpost was more than a celebration of Visayan rock music. It was a feast of words, emotions, experience, and life all orchestrated to form into a soulful Bisaya song. That night was the celebration of Missing Felimon's ten years of making Bisrock songs. To mark the band's tenth anniversary, they released their latest album, entitled "Dekada".

Dekada is a collection of songs from all the albums that the band released. It features songs such as Prinsipal, Suroy-Suroy, Kung Ako Pa Lang, Englisera, and others.

Amid the jamming and singing, Insoy explained the story behind the creation of some of their songs. For example, the band wrote the song Prinsipal during the peak of Pinoy Big Brother and other reality show. He also shared that although music is the band's way of telling their stories, they also write songs that are inspired by other people's experiences. He said that composing a song and writing in general is a vicarious experience.

Now, whoever said that Bisrock is irrelevant was not really able to understand it. Bisrock, like other music, is a form of expression crafted using the combination of instruments and words. That itself cannot go out of style. That is also the reason that Bisrock bands continue to thrive.

To download Missing Felimon's latest album, go to their website http://www.missingfilemon.com/DEKADA/.

A shot with Missing Felimon

Hell. Oh! Month—

Today is still the sixth day of June, but I think that I am already not liking the month. Perhaps, I never liked June since I graduated from college. June is like a pickpocket or a ghost at night that would snatch you of your sanity for, well, quite some time depending on the events. For me, Getting snatched out of your sanity means you got to stop from the luxurious summer and start thinking of responsibility.

Responsibilities. There are so much that I can tell about my responsibilities as the breadwinner of my family, but I think that would only make me more boring. I guess I could some up my early June life in four words—set my priorities straight. I do not actually know now what I really want to do. How will I get through all these responsibilities? Am I supposed to give up something or add my workload? Should I ask for a little assistance or should I just take everything in? Besides, I do not really think I have someone, except my parents, who can extend a hand on this matter.

With all these things inside my head, I found myself asking one question that I hate, "What should I do know?" I have never been this blank for months now. I could not think of the perfect way to fit everything in.

Well, as a start, I think I should stop facing the computer for a moment and have a nice sleep. Who knows I might dream of what I will do.