Miyerkules, Setyembre 3, 2014

The Problem with Breaking Up (With Someone You Never Had)

There is that feeling of envy when people tell stories about having closures in a relationship. You think you need one but consciously you knew you do not deserve it. In the first place, the two of you as one does not exist. You were in love but that love did not come reciprocated.

You told yourself that you could have been together if only he recognized how fun you could be. You convince yourself that at least he should know that you like him. You would never know how events would turn out by the mere confession that you could have done. Whatever you did, things did not go the way you wanted them to be. You had the breakup. You ended up broken hearted.

The problem with having that broken heart is that you got to bear with it alone. You caused it and now you suffer from it. The worst part is that there was nothing between you and him. It was all in your mind and imagination. You cannot tell your friends that you hate him, because he did nothing to you. He might not know you or look at you. You cannot cry on the things, places, events, or songs that would remind you of your time together. You could only cry over these things because they remind you of him, his existence and your frustration. You cannot even go bitter on Facebook and other social networking sites because you knew doing it would only make you a desperate loser. All you could do is take the pain and try to let go.

You tried to let go. You followed what others would say about the common letting go process. You stopped listening to love songs. You stopped watching romance and even romantic comedies. You do not read anything that speaks of blooming love. You are bitter with love and its consequences. You feel like showing your emotion is a weakness. You pretended you need no love and you were strong.

At the end of the day, you can never pretend to yourself. Before you sleep at night, you keep asking yourself on what is wrong with you. All you could see is him, how great he is, and how grateful you could have been if you were together. Then, you tell yourself that everything is over. No. You had to stop your foolishness over an unrequited love. You tried to rationalize the events but you keep on making him an exception. You are at a struggle with your own rationality. So, you cry yourself to sleep.

On the next day, you said to yourself that you already had enough and are already tired of your own foolishness. You told yourself that you had to start moving on, get a grip on your emotions, and start loving yourself. You had a good day watching movies with friends. However, when you walked around your neighborhood, you saw a man who looked like him. Worse, you heard one song that reminds you of him. You stood still and sighed. You were not yet over that breakup.

That is the problem with breaking up with someone you never had a relationship. Your moving on stage becomes an endless loop of trying, starting, and breaking up.

With this problem, you think of only one solution. As what Lucinda Rosenfeld said, “"Moreover, a good solution for unrequited love is, of course, new love."

Huwebes, Hulyo 24, 2014

Less Than-Slash-Three

Photo: despicableme.wikia.com

I miss the three of us
When we stayed inside our house in the province
We were young and naïve
We were full of dreams and hopes
We thought we could make it all
When we hold hands and keep each other

I miss the three of us
When we were apart for the first time
We had to get away from our comfort
We had to strive hard for one another
We thought we could make it all
When we stand strong for one another

I miss the three of us
When we all got our separate lives
We were reaching our dreams
We were having the things we needed
We thought, no, I thought
Everything will stay the same with the three of us

What happened?

Twenty Third

It is believed that the flower that the butterfly loves once grew here. 

In the branch of a tree silently clings
The silent pupa meek and well-disposed
Waiting for the perfect time
To see the world and learn to fly

Then she turned to a lovely butterfly
She flew from flower to flower
Enjoying the bounty of nature
The happiness of life

Then the butterfly loved
She saw no other flower but the one
She loved the flower more than anything
And so she stayed close to the flower

But autumn came
The petals she loves now falls to the ground
And pieces of her sinks deep with the petals
But she still loves the flower

The butterfly has to flew away
Leaving the flower she loves
Keeping the scar in her heart
Yet she still loves the flower

Even if it has been gone. 

Biyernes, Hulyo 11, 2014

More Than Words

You told me you are not good with words
That you could not tell me how much you love me
That you could not frame the right words for me

In the absence of words, your heart speaks
In those few words you utter
In those little acts you show me
Your love cannot be contained with anything
And baby, I love you for that

I love you when you smile at me
You glow like a sunshine
That promises hope and happiness.

I love you when you stare at me
Your stares penetrate to the deepest of my heart
It tells me things only my heart could fathom.

I love you when you hold my hand
The strength of your grip
Tells me not to let you go.

I love you when you hug me close
The gentle touch caresses my soul
And gives me the assurance
Of not being left behind and alone.

I love you when you sing songs to me
It is as if you sing the words
That your mouth cannot directly tell me

Above all these things,
There is one thing that makes my heart melt

I love you when you say those words
I could feel your heart
In that stare
In that smile
As you say, “I love you.”

I love you, baby
More than these words can let you know
And I will never get tired of loving you

Linggo, Hunyo 22, 2014

Hey, I'm Moving On!

After several nights, no, months, of pining for a love that could never be returned, I finally decided to move on. I had to let go from this silliness. I realized that I was wasting my life holding on to something and someone who could not even dare to care. I had cried enough tears and suffered unnecessary depression.

I give up. This is not worth fighting for. This is going nowhere. I am tired. Everything has to stop.


Where do I start—when all I could see is him and all the little things I know about him? 

Huwebes, Hunyo 19, 2014

After A While by Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes aheadwith the grace of woman, not the grief of a child and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure you really are strong you really do have worth and you learn and you learn with every goodbye, you learn...

Miyerkules, Hunyo 18, 2014

25 Things I Love About You

I could never tell you how much I value you. You know I am never good with telling people how I feel. You know I can hardly express my feelings, and you know how much I hate to talk about emotions. Every time we have a talk, I usually end up bullying you to the point that I become too insensitive to notice that you are hurt.

But please believe me when I tell you that I love you. Just do not believe me with the numerical figure in my title because I only put it to signify your age. I could not tell you I love you in a bulleted list because I want you to read every line in this blog. I could not tell you that I love you in a poem because I want you to spend some time with me through this blog.

Today is your birthday. You have always been proud of your birth date. June 19. You feel like you have a connection with Dr. Jose Rizal who is also celebrating his birthday. You even call yourself a martyr. You are a martyr. Who would not be martyr enough to stop schooling and be my guardian when I studied college? I know I was and am a pain on your back. I have seen you cry many times because I was so stubborn I kept going home very late. I have seen you work so hard just to give me money. I have seen you sacrificed yourself for me. You worked hard like a parent to me, but you never forget to listen like a friend to all my stories. I could never thank you enough for the things that you did to me.

Remember those times when we fight? There were lots of them. Do you know why I become silent in the middle of our fight? Or why I tend to walk out when you start crying? I never wanted you to leave home. I do not want to see you cry, well except for those times when you see old couples in the street and when we watch romantic movies. I could never take the thought of you weeping because of me. I always wanted to see you wear that happy face because you know that God has a purpose for everything.

Keep that faith. Your faith has been the reason that I keep on striving hard for our family. You inspire me with those words and pictures you post in our room. Most importantly, you make me believe in love. I have seen you fall in love and fall out of love. I have seen you cry over unrequited love and become all giddy because of a man. You taught me that only love can make me do greater things and that same love can get the best out of me. Your love for me and our family makes me a lucky being.

I am lucky I am your sister. You are very sensitive to my needs. Do you know that you make me smile with your little acts of goodness? Those little surprises? Those little gifts? I am grateful you are my sister. You are always there for me. You make me sane whenever I tend to overthink. You are very supportive in everything that I do. You believe in me.

All people you care are very lucky because we have you. You are a gift from God. Thank you and keep inspiring others!

I love you, ate Nenette. Happy 25th birthday.

The birthday girl

Biyernes, Hunyo 13, 2014

February 15, Dumaguete

This is for the lost soul
Broken and alone
Wandering around the earth
Looking for a shelter. 

This is for the different
Unique and alone
Walking with people of all sorts
Looking for a home. 

This is for the forsaken
Left broken and alone
No place to call home
No one to treat as her own.


I’ll forget this moment happened.
I won’t even recall your name.
I can never feel this feeling again.

I will wish I have powerful brains.
I will wonder how this day felt like.
I will look back with feeling of naught.

So now…
I will keep these little notes of mine,
these memories of yours,
and this story of ours.

To Say Goodbye

How can I say goodbye to you? To the times we never had? To the moments I wish we had? To the friendship that I wanted to bloom?

We are never friends. We never had that friendship bond. The times that I had with you were those that involved seeing each other in office. Even if we barely speak to each other, I silently liked you. I silently wished that someday you would open up to me and later on be close with each other. But it never happened. You left.

Although you were not gone, I could no more see you every day. It may sound foolish but I considered you as one thing that could make me smile. Your presence, it was overwhelming. Your jokes, though never funny, would tickle me and make laugh endlessly. Your simple act of kindness, those little things made me fall for you. You inspired and influenced me in many things.

Months passed, but I remained in the abyss of my feelings for you. I was groping hard to recover, to move on. But fate should have been toying with me. No matter what happened and no matter what you said during that Sunday night, my feelings remained stubborn.

Then I knew that you were finally leaving. This time, I knew I would never see you again. No more professional communication. You will be gone. I wanted to ask you. I wanted to talk with you. I wanted to know your plans. But I couldn’t. I was not supposed to. I did not have the right. Who am I by the way?

I wanted to tell you how much I will miss you. I wanted to thank you for making me smile, though you are not aware of it. I wanted to hug you goodbye. I wanted to hold your hand and tell you not to leave. I wanted to leave you a message wishing you a good luck. How bad I wanted to see your face as you leave the only world that connected the two of us. I just wanted to see you for the last time and finally say goodbye to you and to my feelings towards you. But I could not. I could not even at least pretend to act normal and ask you. I just could not. I would dare not.

As you go on with your life and I struggle with mine, I hope that soon I will see you. By that time, I hope that you have achieved the dreams you have and have lived a life that you wanted. I wanted to see that sincere smile on your face, which I only saw when you were drunk last April. I hope that during the second time that we meet, I would be over you, and that it would be a new chapter in my life. And if you ever come back sooner, please remember that I would be here waiting for you. You will always have a special spot in my mind and heart.

But goodbye.

Huwebes, Hunyo 12, 2014


Poker face
Soulful eyes
Sad smile

Silent mouth
Deep voice
Bright mind

White shirt
Boxer shorts

The Insomniac

For those sleepless nights
When I stared at the ceiling for hours
Thinking the day over and over
Playing the memories in my mind
Oh, the pain and frustrations!

For those nights,
When I slept with a heavy heart
I could not cry
but my heart was weeping.

No, it was not insomnia
That keeps me awake at night
That makes me feel my loneliness
Every night
On my bed
In my room

It was a boy
A man
Who was once was part of my day
But now haunts me at night.

Miyerkules, Hunyo 11, 2014

Para sa Akong Amiga

Nakahinumdom pa ba ka?
Sa mga panahon nga mag-uban ta
Katong gibyahe ta ang Guadalupe
Kay gilantaw ta ang gipuy-an niya
Katong gilakaw ta ang karsada sa Tisa
Kay nagmauy ko sa akong wa masuklii nga gugma
Katong naghinilakay ta
Sa opisina sa San Jose, nga gi-eskwelahan ta.

Nakalimot na ba diay ka?
Sa dihang nag-away tang duha
Kay gahi akong ulo ug wa ka nakauyon
Wa ko nimo gitagad, nagmagahi lang pud ko
Apan nagkauli ra ta, nakalimot ko giunsa basta mao na to.

Makalimtan mo ba gyud diay?
Ang mga pangandoy natong duha
Katong nangita ta ug trabaho
Ang atong mga plano
Kung puhon kitang duha tagsa-tagsa nga maminyo
Ang atong mga pagmauy
Sa pagbati ning gitawag nilang gugma.

Milabay ang panahon.
Ikaw nahilayo samtang akong nagpabilin
Atong mga kinabuhi atong gitul-id
Atong mga pangandoy atong gikab-ot.

Nalipay ko maminaw kanimo.
Layo ka ug naadtoan, padayona.
Hinunoa nga anaa ra ko diri.
Di mo man tuod madunggan sa kanunay
Apan andam ako nga moalima kanunay.

Bisan unsa ang mahitabo
Hinumdomi nga ania ra ko para kanimo.

Ayaw baya kog kalimti ha? 

A shot with Agnes, akong amiga

Martes, Hunyo 10, 2014

One Night for a Decade

It was true when Insoy, the lead vocalist of Missing Felimon, said that whoever stated that Bisrock is irrelevant should have come to the event and celebrate.

The evening of May 30 at the Outpost was more than a celebration of Visayan rock music. It was a feast of words, emotions, experience, and life all orchestrated to form into a soulful Bisaya song. That night was the celebration of Missing Felimon's ten years of making Bisrock songs. To mark the band's tenth anniversary, they released their latest album, entitled "Dekada".

Dekada is a collection of songs from all the albums that the band released. It features songs such as Prinsipal, Suroy-Suroy, Kung Ako Pa Lang, Englisera, and others.

Amid the jamming and singing, Insoy explained the story behind the creation of some of their songs. For example, the band wrote the song Prinsipal during the peak of Pinoy Big Brother and other reality show. He also shared that although music is the band's way of telling their stories, they also write songs that are inspired by other people's experiences. He said that composing a song and writing in general is a vicarious experience.

Now, whoever said that Bisrock is irrelevant was not really able to understand it. Bisrock, like other music, is a form of expression crafted using the combination of instruments and words. That itself cannot go out of style. That is also the reason that Bisrock bands continue to thrive.

To download Missing Felimon's latest album, go to their website http://www.missingfilemon.com/DEKADA/.

A shot with Missing Felimon

Huwebes, Hunyo 5, 2014

Hell. Oh! Month—

Today is still the sixth day of June, but I think that I am already not liking the month. Perhaps, I never liked June since I graduated from college. June is like a pickpocket or a ghost at night that would snatch you of your sanity for, well, quite some time depending on the events. For me, Getting snatched out of your sanity means you got to stop from the luxurious summer and start thinking of responsibility.

Responsibilities. There are so much that I can tell about my responsibilities as the breadwinner of my family, but I think that would only make me more boring. I guess I could some up my early June life in four words—set my priorities straight. I do not actually know now what I really want to do. How will I get through all these responsibilities? Am I supposed to give up something or add my workload? Should I ask for a little assistance or should I just take everything in? Besides, I do not really think I have someone, except my parents, who can extend a hand on this matter.

With all these things inside my head, I found myself asking one question that I hate, "What should I do know?" I have never been this blank for months now. I could not think of the perfect way to fit everything in.

Well, as a start, I think I should stop facing the computer for a moment and have a nice sleep. Who knows I might dream of what I will do. 

Martes, Mayo 27, 2014

Thank-You Note by Lang Leav

Look what I got from just leav! A nice way to say ...


"Life is not defined by the sentence that you write. It is in the punctuation that you put in that sentence."

Miyerkules, Mayo 21, 2014

5-Minute Love

Dance with me dear, with the one you love.

Let’s go somewhere dear, somewhere we like.


It was well but it had to end. 

hi-density by Lourd de Veyra

baby tonight I'm trying to watch television and outside the moon seems to have stopped breathing—a pool of flat radiance and the only image in my mind is that of the black and white Siamese kitty cat tattooed on the small of y our back because I hardly understood the true nature of cats until you silently tiptoed into my life and I entered you with the smoothness of hot knife through butter and smoldering like the tip of a syringe and because the memory of your skin still haunts me burning more savagely than this moon so boring the television appears to hum with more life and baby I am sorry I had met with apathy the concern for your real true Siamese  kitty cat because I am in a state of consciousness that receives neither the eleven o'clock news nor the lunar manifestations of truth and love and whatever strange music it is hanging outside these unreal windows and baby I hope you are not thinking it as the cat you keep between your legs I think about all the time with an Egyptian's impious devotion to bash and baby I hope you are still alive and you too are watching television on this very moment with only the real virtue of moonlight more beautiful than death and imagining what might have happened had you come over to let the feline tattoo curl up cozily on my bed tonight baby now I begin to understand the true nature of absence and hunger in the sudden keening of a cat.

(I found this poem in the book, One Hundred Love Poems by Gemino Abad and Alfred Yuson)

Haze by Fran Ng

We collide on purpose
not our own
into orange.

Then I am red
and you are yellow
a solitary fever

We make
rings of fire
in dim spaces
stroking time

Where I am red
and you are yellow
and when we meet

We set ourselves on fire.
(Source: One Hundred Love Poems by Gemino Abad and Alfred Yuson)

27 by Nerisa del Carmen Guevara

And by the time I reach 80
I would have fallen in love with
An entire city.          
All the people on the streets
Would follow me down with
A knowing.
All hate gone. All sorrow.
The word absence would not
make sense.

The dinosaurs are still underground;
All the species the eco-warriors were not able to save
Have walked without regret to wastelands they haven't found yet;
Most of the people we love, walking or dead,
Are sometimes in the dust we sweep out on Sundays.
The trees we leave an instant mix,
Just add water
And we are still
Remembering even what we try to forget.

The once loved, the once loving,
The kept, the abandoned,

Finally making sense of it all. 

(Source:  One Hundred Love Poems by Gemino Abad and Alfred Yuson)

The First To Love by Simeon Dumdum Jr.

Always she is a step ahead.
When I think of giving her flowers,
She waylays me with wine-red roses.
And if I get up in the morning,
Pulled out of bed by the idea
Of a long walk across the fields,
She would be there, lacing her shoes,
The coffee, which was on my mind,
Filling up the room with its presence.
But one day, when there was a downpour,
I made sure I would be the first
To suggest that we have a race
In the rain, but she turned me down,
And I saw in her smile that we
Were too old for such recklessness,
But that afternoon, the sun blazed,
And she asked what just then had crossed
My mind, that we both go outside.
The road was a patchwork of water.
I wanted to help her across
A rain puddle, forgetting that
Her legs were longer than mine. 

(Source: One Hundred Love Poems by Gemino Abad and Alfred Yuson)

Seven years later, Driving Home by Justine Camacho

It is impossible to fall in love again
for the first time.
The first blush, the heart quickening,
racing madly with a secret:
these things happen only once.
Yester, in the car,
only half-listening to a song,
I remembered.
And in my mind, I turned around.
If I had known that i would never see you again.
If I had known that afternoon in August,
I would have stayed rooted there.
Watching you.
Nineteen yet and dreamy,
I felt the years deaden me, one by one.
And all the headlamps around me
It was so sweet,
even to feel

that wound again.

(Source: One Hundred Love Poems by Gemino Abad and Alfred Yuson) 

Negros Museum, June 13 by Carlomar Arcangel Daoana

We could have been in different place
                at that moment when we were listening
to Frank Sinatra sing I'm Walking Behind you
                from a gramophone, the museum guy spinning
the turntable with the exact speed of 45 rpm—
                something he practiced, he'd say to his guests,
one the song ends. We could have looked
                at each other tenderly as Sinatra crooned
into our ears, remembering the time when
                we were still strangers to each other
during that night on the ship. Memory
                would have rolled effortlessly—cloth,
or ocean as we recognized the luck
                sweeping us together to an appointment
of what seemed to me the greatest story of our lives. But instead, we were silent,
the heat of the day was uncomfortable,
                and the needle stuttered on the record
which we let go for the needlessness of it
                Looking back, I realize everything of it
was perfect—your eyes shy at the briefest
                touching with mine, the way we avoided
this love which was meant to be bigger
                than us, following us towards the daylight
blessing the corridors of a beautiful world—
                in a way not one of us could ever predict.

(Source: One Hundred Love Poems by Gemino Abad and Alfred Yuson)

Lunes, Mayo 19, 2014

A Dead Wish and Her Death Wish

She knew it was the last time, her only chance. She knew she had to do it. She had done enough foolishness. She did not want to do worse. It had to end.

She composed herself, framed the right words. She heaved a deep breathe. She sat still and stared at that man across the room.

That man. Many asked her why him. He was not the type that settles down. He may not be even capable of any emotional attachment. Unfortunately, it was him. God knows the extent of things he can do for this man.

“Hey!” She waved at him and smiled. Tears brewed in her eyes. She could hardly breathe. She faked a laugh and cleared her throat. She did not know where to start. She was aware that he knows how she feels for him. Her heart throbbed heavily. Her head started spinning. She felt dizzy. What to ask?

She only needed to know one thing. “What did you feel about everything?” As if losing all her energy, she sank into the couch. She bit her lower lip and sighed silently as she waited for him to talk.


“Nothing. I’m used to such attention,” he said with his deep monotonous voice.

She wanted to run away, shout, curse, and weep. She felt her confidence and self-value shrank below ground zero. She closed her eyes. She anticipated for that response, but it still struck and cut her heart deep. 

She was not sad. She was just disappointed. “He could have at least framed the words properly,” she said to herself silently. Then, she covered her face with a trilby and silently wished to die.